There was a man, who lived in the 16th century, who may have been the most evil man ever. His evil was so all encompassing that he causes conflicts to this day. He is directly responsible for more wars (“Bad” wars, where white Christians killed other white Christians not “good” wars, where white Christians killed “lesser” people or non-Christians.) than any man in history.
He was considered so evil, in his own time, that The Church excommunicated him. Excommunication is serious stuff. It's a punishment, so severe, that it lasts for all eternity. Excommunicees, according to dogma, are not allowed in Heaven. Surely, there can not be a more severe punishment, to a Christian.
During his time on Earth this man flouted authority. He set people against “true” knowledge. He shamelessly spread Heresy. He even opined that Men should be able to read the Bible, in their own language, and make their own determination regarding “The Word of God”.
Obviously, this was a bad idea.
In spite of many, patient, warnings he diabolically set Brother against Brother. He continued to stir things up when his silence would have prevented death and suffering. He was, clearly, evil.
Within a few, short, years people were killing each other over this man's dangerous ideas. Europe, where this man lived, was plunged into 150 years of savage religious warfare. No one will ever know how many innocents died due to this one man.
I have a feeling that American Evangelical Christians would hate this man. He was a dissenter. He encouraged people to think about Religion in new ways. He even promulgated the idea that Faith is personnel and different for each individual.
Yup. No doubt about it. Pat Robertson, the late Jerry Falwell and their ilk would be screaming for this man's head if he were unfortunate to be alive today.
Of course, there would be a flaw in their logic.
You see, the man I refer to is Martin Luther. The Father of the Reformation. The first Protestant. The man to whom Evangelicals owe their religion, if not their very existence.
And, if he were alive today, Evangelicals would hate him. For, I believe, he would speak out against their rigid thinking, their intolerance, their rejection of learning, and their dogma.
Ironic huh?
Monday, May 21, 2007
Saturday, May 19, 2007
Bush's private think tank.
I have been the beneficiary of a recent leak. It seems that Mr. Bush formed, and funded, his own private think tank. It's as "black" a project as one could imagine. Even it's name (The Office of Stuff-n-Nonsense) doesn't appear in any, official, documents. Fortunately, one of it's members has, suddenly, developed a conscience and provided me with access to their sent mail folder.
This is the first (and last if the Secret Service finds out)of those e-mails. The World needs to know.
TOP SECRET
From the office of Stuff-n-Nonsense re:
Operation Toto: Conquest of Oz
The Taliban is using income from the opium trade to finance their resurgent insurgencies. We need to cut off that income. Since it is impossible to, economically, interdict their operations; the best method is to acquire our own source, of opium, and undersell them. Once our supply of raw opium is secured, we can outsource the production of refined product and beat them with capitalism.
After careful study; we have concluded that the poppy fields of Oz make the most feasible target.
As we all know, Oz's defenses are a joke. Flying monkeys are no match for heat-seeking missiles. One half-assed Baptist Evangelicon, with a Bible, a basin, and crucifix, can handle all the: witches, haunted trees, spooks, goblins etc. they can throw at us. However, we will have to watch our troops for signs of temptation if they throw apples (The Devils Fruit) at us. (A 1/1 ratio of chaplains to troops should suffice.)
The general populace will greet us with joy. Composed largely of hideous, soulless, freaks, the population of Oz has been denied the Truth of Christianity by their sadistic, satanic, masters.
Denied the most basic medical care; many residents of Oz live their pitiful existences without major organs (hearts, brains etc.). They are limited to folk remedies, such as, applying oil to stiff joints. They don't have Ibuprofen.
More disturbing, people have, apparently, engaged in bestiality. They show many signs of being cursed (what atheistic Technophiles call “genetic mutation”) and have an astounding rate of dwarfism.
And, most sadly, the poor little folk are forced to join Satanic homosexual gangs (the Lolly-pop Guild being one of the largest and most viscous) in order to survive in their Godless society.
Even if they had no: poppy fields, oil reserves, mass-energy transport (Just like Star Trek, but with red smoke.), alternative energy technologies, anti-gravity technology, and others; it would be our duty, as a Christian Nation, to invade them and Save them from their Godless Hell!
The timing has never been better. Our latest intelligence (1940) indicates that the Wicked Witches have been recently assassinated by an elite mercenary squad. Our under-cover operative, a once-attractive brunette from Kansas named Dorothy who we are hiding in Las Vegas as a over-rated ex-actress (ex-over-rated actress?), is believed to be the executioner. It is believed that they were hired by Glinda the “Good” Witch of the North. Of course, all of this is classified.
We find it unlikely that a major Power, like Glinda, would eliminate her two most powerful rivals without a plan to take advantage of the power vacuum. However, we have no idea what her “real” Satanic, and therefore irrelevant, motives are.
It has been confirmed that the Wicked Witch of The West had acquired, perfected, produced and used WMD's before her demise. While it is known that The Wizard acquired her enhanced Flying Broomstick technology, the disposition of her WMD stockpile is unknown.
Every single insignificant, tiny, dictator in Oz must be assumed to have this awesomely powerful technology. Our God-Blessed, infallible, policy makers must treat each of these Satanic Tyrants as the pathetic, dangerous, foes they are. If we leave them unopposed we will never be able to overthrow them. If we don't overthrow them, we can't be certain they don't have WMD's. If they might have WMD's, they are a clear and present threat to every American and Our Way Of Life.
The final defeat of The Taliban is just a happy side effect. The conquest of Oz is vital to Our National Security. It is possible that there are more Sovereign Powers with WMD's in Oz than; the Mid-East and the European Union, combined.
This is a possibility that the God Fearing Administration of The United States can't afford to live with!
The drain on our military will be negligible since the “wrestlers” from the WWE will be conscripted for police duties. A large percentage are Born Again Christians .They show excellent resistance to shock when confronted by freaks. And, they have been trained to rough up midgets.
The few military resources needed can be, easily, concealed in deployments for the, imminently successful, surge. The WWE will be completely in control within a week. Seriously, Vincent Kennedy McMahon doesn't mess around!
Due to our traitorous Congress, it would be best to hide funding in, another, “black project”. Since our swift victory is assured, the war will be over before anyone sees a bill.
NOTE: If you are reading this, without proper clearance, please don't disseminate this report to the press. Or your subordinates. Or your superiors. Or Congress. Or your wife. Whatever you do, don't respond to this e-mail with another e-mail and make sure you delete this e-mail from your inbox but save it somewhere just in case it may serve as exonerating evidence in any future, purely hypothetical, criminal investigation, however, if it ever appears that this e-mail may be condemning evidence in a future, purely hypothetical, criminal investigation it should be deleted from all files, in fact, it may be best to deep format your drive as soon as you finish reading this.
This is the first (and last if the Secret Service finds out)of those e-mails. The World needs to know.
TOP SECRET
From the office of Stuff-n-Nonsense re:
Operation Toto: Conquest of Oz
The Taliban is using income from the opium trade to finance their resurgent insurgencies. We need to cut off that income. Since it is impossible to, economically, interdict their operations; the best method is to acquire our own source, of opium, and undersell them. Once our supply of raw opium is secured, we can outsource the production of refined product and beat them with capitalism.
After careful study; we have concluded that the poppy fields of Oz make the most feasible target.
As we all know, Oz's defenses are a joke. Flying monkeys are no match for heat-seeking missiles. One half-assed Baptist Evangelicon, with a Bible, a basin, and crucifix, can handle all the: witches, haunted trees, spooks, goblins etc. they can throw at us. However, we will have to watch our troops for signs of temptation if they throw apples (The Devils Fruit) at us. (A 1/1 ratio of chaplains to troops should suffice.)
The general populace will greet us with joy. Composed largely of hideous, soulless, freaks, the population of Oz has been denied the Truth of Christianity by their sadistic, satanic, masters.
Denied the most basic medical care; many residents of Oz live their pitiful existences without major organs (hearts, brains etc.). They are limited to folk remedies, such as, applying oil to stiff joints. They don't have Ibuprofen.
More disturbing, people have, apparently, engaged in bestiality. They show many signs of being cursed (what atheistic Technophiles call “genetic mutation”) and have an astounding rate of dwarfism.
And, most sadly, the poor little folk are forced to join Satanic homosexual gangs (the Lolly-pop Guild being one of the largest and most viscous) in order to survive in their Godless society.
Even if they had no: poppy fields, oil reserves, mass-energy transport (Just like Star Trek, but with red smoke.), alternative energy technologies, anti-gravity technology, and others; it would be our duty, as a Christian Nation, to invade them and Save them from their Godless Hell!
The timing has never been better. Our latest intelligence (1940) indicates that the Wicked Witches have been recently assassinated by an elite mercenary squad. Our under-cover operative, a once-attractive brunette from Kansas named Dorothy who we are hiding in Las Vegas as a over-rated ex-actress (ex-over-rated actress?), is believed to be the executioner. It is believed that they were hired by Glinda the “Good” Witch of the North. Of course, all of this is classified.
We find it unlikely that a major Power, like Glinda, would eliminate her two most powerful rivals without a plan to take advantage of the power vacuum. However, we have no idea what her “real” Satanic, and therefore irrelevant, motives are.
It has been confirmed that the Wicked Witch of The West had acquired, perfected, produced and used WMD's before her demise. While it is known that The Wizard acquired her enhanced Flying Broomstick technology, the disposition of her WMD stockpile is unknown.
Every single insignificant, tiny, dictator in Oz must be assumed to have this awesomely powerful technology. Our God-Blessed, infallible, policy makers must treat each of these Satanic Tyrants as the pathetic, dangerous, foes they are. If we leave them unopposed we will never be able to overthrow them. If we don't overthrow them, we can't be certain they don't have WMD's. If they might have WMD's, they are a clear and present threat to every American and Our Way Of Life.
The final defeat of The Taliban is just a happy side effect. The conquest of Oz is vital to Our National Security. It is possible that there are more Sovereign Powers with WMD's in Oz than; the Mid-East and the European Union, combined.
This is a possibility that the God Fearing Administration of The United States can't afford to live with!
The drain on our military will be negligible since the “wrestlers” from the WWE will be conscripted for police duties. A large percentage are Born Again Christians .They show excellent resistance to shock when confronted by freaks. And, they have been trained to rough up midgets.
The few military resources needed can be, easily, concealed in deployments for the, imminently successful, surge. The WWE will be completely in control within a week. Seriously, Vincent Kennedy McMahon doesn't mess around!
Due to our traitorous Congress, it would be best to hide funding in, another, “black project”. Since our swift victory is assured, the war will be over before anyone sees a bill.
NOTE: If you are reading this, without proper clearance, please don't disseminate this report to the press. Or your subordinates. Or your superiors. Or Congress. Or your wife. Whatever you do, don't respond to this e-mail with another e-mail and make sure you delete this e-mail from your inbox but save it somewhere just in case it may serve as exonerating evidence in any future, purely hypothetical, criminal investigation, however, if it ever appears that this e-mail may be condemning evidence in a future, purely hypothetical, criminal investigation it should be deleted from all files, in fact, it may be best to deep format your drive as soon as you finish reading this.
Friday, May 18, 2007
A serious note
I would like to make a heartfelt appeal to American Voters. I implore you, if your favorite candidate is a member of a legislative body and said candidate has skipped votes on the wars (Iraq, Afghanistan and Terror) to free up campaigning time, please reconsider your support.
If your candidate doesn't care enough, about you, to vote on, arguably, the most important issue of our time; I suggest that you care enough, about you, to deny said candidate your vote. We the People must send a clear message to our leaders that: anything less than 100% commitment, to Us, is death to a political career.
NOTE: Serious illness, or family tragedies, are considered legitimate excuses. Pressing flesh at a banquet, photo ops at schools, and similar acts of greed and self-aggrandizement, should NOT excuse these people from their DUTY.
If your candidate doesn't care enough, about you, to vote on, arguably, the most important issue of our time; I suggest that you care enough, about you, to deny said candidate your vote. We the People must send a clear message to our leaders that: anything less than 100% commitment, to Us, is death to a political career.
NOTE: Serious illness, or family tragedies, are considered legitimate excuses. Pressing flesh at a banquet, photo ops at schools, and similar acts of greed and self-aggrandizement, should NOT excuse these people from their DUTY.
Weight loss. For a price.
America is concerned (obsessed?) with weight loss. Even our government is aware of the problem and, they're taking action.
Recent reports show that food prices (closely tied to energy prices) are rising at an alarming rate. One report (obvious propaganda) suggests that the "real cost" of groceries has risen, as much as, 30% in two years. Is this by accident? I say no!
Our government, taking a cue from "slim" countries like Ethiopia, is trying to "slim down" America by destroying our economy. Brilliant!
Once "luxury foods" like: sweets, high-carb snacks, meat, dairy products, and such, are priced out of reach of the average American; the pounds will melt away. Even"Fast food", (a major cause of obesity), will become a distant memory once NO ONE can afford to drive.
It brings a tear to my eye when I consider the sacrifices our leaders are willing to make for us. Why, it seems the entire Republican Party (Pah!) is willing to sacrifice their political careers for the sake of our waistlines. Heck, they even started two, hideously expensive, wars so that aging débutantes can slip into their prom dresses for their 10 year reunions! That's what I call "Commitment to a bit".
While I have no, remaining, love for the Republican Party (Pah!) I have to applaud them on this one. Soon, our sensitivities will cease being insulted by the combination of bare mid-drifts and swelling guts.
Recent reports show that food prices (closely tied to energy prices) are rising at an alarming rate. One report (obvious propaganda) suggests that the "real cost" of groceries has risen, as much as, 30% in two years. Is this by accident? I say no!
Our government, taking a cue from "slim" countries like Ethiopia, is trying to "slim down" America by destroying our economy. Brilliant!
Once "luxury foods" like: sweets, high-carb snacks, meat, dairy products, and such, are priced out of reach of the average American; the pounds will melt away. Even"Fast food", (a major cause of obesity), will become a distant memory once NO ONE can afford to drive.
It brings a tear to my eye when I consider the sacrifices our leaders are willing to make for us. Why, it seems the entire Republican Party (Pah!) is willing to sacrifice their political careers for the sake of our waistlines. Heck, they even started two, hideously expensive, wars so that aging débutantes can slip into their prom dresses for their 10 year reunions! That's what I call "Commitment to a bit".
While I have no, remaining, love for the Republican Party (Pah!) I have to applaud them on this one. Soon, our sensitivities will cease being insulted by the combination of bare mid-drifts and swelling guts.
Thursday, May 17, 2007
Jerry's first interview; IN HELL
Satan: Well, Reverend Falwell now that you've had a couple days to settle in; What do you think of Hell, so far?
Jerry: I'm not here. Hell isn't real. I'm not here...
Satan: Whoa. Steady there, Jerry. Look at me. LOOK AT ME AND LISTEN! You are here, and this is real. You should know. You helped create Hell.
Jerry: Bu..Bu.. But, Jesus Loves me.
Satan: (laughs) It's funny you should mention “The Love of Jesus”. I was going to save this for later but... We have a surprise guest with us on speaker phone.
Surprise guest, can you hear me?
Guest: I hear you fine Satan, I'm glad you could take my call.
Satan: Always happy to hear from YOU. Reverend Falwell, may I introduce you to our other guest. Reverend Falwell, say hello to: The Son of God. Prince of Heaven. Savior of Man. Jesus Christ Himself.
Jerry: Ju... Ju...
Satan: That's right Jerry. After all these years, you finally get your chance to speak to Jesus and hear His WORD.
Jesus: I would like to jump in here, if I may.
Satan: Go ahead J.C. You have the floor.
Jesus: JERRY! Can you hear me?
Jerry: Yuh... (muttering)
Jesus: Good! Now pay attention! What the Hell were you thinking? You totally misrepresented everything I stand for. Do you have any idea how much damage you did? Do you realize that you have, personally, delayed my Second coming indefinitely? You stupid, greedy, crazy bastard; how can The Earth become a paradise with your sickness spreading? I could be stuck, living at my Dad's place, FOREVER? Do you have any idea how much I hate you? You stupid, hateful, bloated sack of s...
Satan: Sorry. We seem to be having some trouble with our connection to Jesus. Hope we can get him back.
Well. Reverend Falwell. There you have it. Jesus hates you. Hell is real. You are, most assuredly, here. What's your excuse?
Jerry: Ahhhh!!! Ahhhh!!! ...
Satan: Well folks. It seems that Reverend Falwell is indisposed. Perhaps we can continue another day? I certainly look forward to it.
Next. Join us for some candid conversation with Oliver Cromwell right here on WHEL. Hell Radio at 666 on your AM dial. Ollie's up, right after these important messages.
Jerry: I'm not here. Hell isn't real. I'm not here...
Satan: Whoa. Steady there, Jerry. Look at me. LOOK AT ME AND LISTEN! You are here, and this is real. You should know. You helped create Hell.
Jerry: Bu..Bu.. But, Jesus Loves me.
Satan: (laughs) It's funny you should mention “The Love of Jesus”. I was going to save this for later but... We have a surprise guest with us on speaker phone.
Surprise guest, can you hear me?
Guest: I hear you fine Satan, I'm glad you could take my call.
Satan: Always happy to hear from YOU. Reverend Falwell, may I introduce you to our other guest. Reverend Falwell, say hello to: The Son of God. Prince of Heaven. Savior of Man. Jesus Christ Himself.
Jerry: Ju... Ju...
Satan: That's right Jerry. After all these years, you finally get your chance to speak to Jesus and hear His WORD.
Jesus: I would like to jump in here, if I may.
Satan: Go ahead J.C. You have the floor.
Jesus: JERRY! Can you hear me?
Jerry: Yuh... (muttering)
Jesus: Good! Now pay attention! What the Hell were you thinking? You totally misrepresented everything I stand for. Do you have any idea how much damage you did? Do you realize that you have, personally, delayed my Second coming indefinitely? You stupid, greedy, crazy bastard; how can The Earth become a paradise with your sickness spreading? I could be stuck, living at my Dad's place, FOREVER? Do you have any idea how much I hate you? You stupid, hateful, bloated sack of s...
Satan: Sorry. We seem to be having some trouble with our connection to Jesus. Hope we can get him back.
Well. Reverend Falwell. There you have it. Jesus hates you. Hell is real. You are, most assuredly, here. What's your excuse?
Jerry: Ahhhh!!! Ahhhh!!! ...
Satan: Well folks. It seems that Reverend Falwell is indisposed. Perhaps we can continue another day? I certainly look forward to it.
Next. Join us for some candid conversation with Oliver Cromwell right here on WHEL. Hell Radio at 666 on your AM dial. Ollie's up, right after these important messages.
Traitorous thoughts
Disturbed by the prospect of having "traitorous thoughts"; President Bush announced his plan to remove his own Brain.
During a speech in which he stated, "Brains are dangerous". "Brains are capable of thinking anything". President Bush demonstrated how he could just, "reach in there and yank it out. Like that movie".
Mr. Bush's brain was unavailable for comment.
Bush's Book. A review by Canine News
Apparently, someone swiped a “first draft” of George Bush's memoirs and this reviewer got a sneak peak. Though this great work stands above review, here are my thoughts.
From the very first words of; “King George”, The bestest monark ever! I found myself moved by the wisdom, sincerity, and grace of this Great Man. Here are those first words.
“As soon as my aid wheeled in this here talk in type out machine I realized that I can finally write my memwars. That don't look right. Erase that. Back up now. Stop writing what I'm saying and erase that wrong word. Stop it! Goddamn thing must be busted. I'll show you busted! Crash!”
This stirring intro is followed by 665 (for a nice, round, total of 666) pages of primal, emotionally moving, Crayon art. Heavily influenced by themes like: Bulging sacks with dollar signs on them. Giant oil barrels. Female stick figures, with impossibly large “boobies”, and Muslim stuff getting blowed up. Mr Bush has managed to express his imagination while capturing our own.
I would like to thank President Bush for inspiring me, Nay! us, with his greatness. I would also like to thank him for sending round those nice young men, from the Secret Service, who were eager to see that I didn't miss any of the nuances of this, truly, Great Book. Nor, opportunities to, rightfully, point out the Greatness of this Great Man.
BTW, this Great Man is so Great all proceeds will go to one of his family's foundations, rather than, straight to his own pocket. Seriously, this Great Man may be the first to Achieve Sainthood (Real Christian Sainthood, not dirty Catholic Sainthood.) within his own lifetime. This Great Man's every breath makes each of us , a little, Greater.
From the very first words of; “King George”, The bestest monark ever! I found myself moved by the wisdom, sincerity, and grace of this Great Man. Here are those first words.
“As soon as my aid wheeled in this here talk in type out machine I realized that I can finally write my memwars. That don't look right. Erase that. Back up now. Stop writing what I'm saying and erase that wrong word. Stop it! Goddamn thing must be busted. I'll show you busted! Crash!”
This stirring intro is followed by 665 (for a nice, round, total of 666) pages of primal, emotionally moving, Crayon art. Heavily influenced by themes like: Bulging sacks with dollar signs on them. Giant oil barrels. Female stick figures, with impossibly large “boobies”, and Muslim stuff getting blowed up. Mr Bush has managed to express his imagination while capturing our own.
I would like to thank President Bush for inspiring me, Nay! us, with his greatness. I would also like to thank him for sending round those nice young men, from the Secret Service, who were eager to see that I didn't miss any of the nuances of this, truly, Great Book. Nor, opportunities to, rightfully, point out the Greatness of this Great Man.
BTW, this Great Man is so Great all proceeds will go to one of his family's foundations, rather than, straight to his own pocket. Seriously, this Great Man may be the first to Achieve Sainthood (Real Christian Sainthood, not dirty Catholic Sainthood.) within his own lifetime. This Great Man's every breath makes each of us , a little, Greater.
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