I have been the beneficiary of a recent leak. It seems that Mr. Bush formed, and funded, his own private think tank. It's as "black" a project as one could imagine. Even it's name (The Office of Stuff-n-Nonsense) doesn't appear in any, official, documents. Fortunately, one of it's members has, suddenly, developed a conscience and provided me with access to their sent mail folder.
This is the first (and last if the Secret Service finds out)of those e-mails.
The World needs to know. TOP SECRET
From the office of Stuff-n-Nonsense re:
Operation Toto: Conquest of Oz
The Taliban is using income from the opium trade to finance their resurgent insurgencies. We need to cut off that income. Since it is impossible to, economically, interdict their operations; the best method is to acquire our own source, of opium, and undersell them. Once our supply of raw opium is secured, we can outsource the production of refined product and beat them with capitalism.
After careful study; we have concluded that the poppy fields of Oz make the most feasible target.
As we all know, Oz's defenses are a joke. Flying monkeys are no match for heat-seeking missiles. One half-assed Baptist Evangelicon, with a Bible, a basin, and crucifix, can handle all the: witches, haunted trees, spooks, goblins etc. they can throw at us. However, we will have to watch our troops for signs of temptation if they throw apples (The Devils Fruit) at us. (A 1/1 ratio of chaplains to troops should suffice.)
The general populace will greet us with joy. Composed largely of hideous, soulless, freaks, the population of Oz has been denied the Truth of Christianity by their sadistic, satanic, masters.
Denied the most basic medical care; many residents of Oz live their pitiful existences without major organs (hearts, brains etc.). They are limited to folk remedies, such as, applying oil to stiff joints. They don't have Ibuprofen.
More disturbing, people have, apparently, engaged in bestiality. They show many signs of being cursed (what atheistic Technophiles call “genetic mutation”) and have an astounding rate of dwarfism.
And, most sadly, the poor little folk are forced to join Satanic homosexual gangs (the Lolly-pop Guild being one of the largest and most viscous) in order to survive in their Godless society.
Even if they had no: poppy fields, oil reserves, mass-energy transport (Just like Star Trek, but with red smoke.), alternative energy technologies, anti-gravity technology, and others; it would be our duty, as a Christian Nation, to invade them and Save them from their Godless Hell!
The timing has never been better. Our latest intelligence (1940) indicates that the Wicked Witches have been recently assassinated by an elite mercenary squad. Our under-cover operative, a once-attractive brunette from Kansas named Dorothy who we are hiding in Las Vegas as a over-rated ex-actress (ex-over-rated actress?), is believed to be the executioner. It is believed that they were hired by Glinda the “Good” Witch of the North. Of course, all of this is classified.
We find it unlikely that a major Power, like Glinda, would eliminate her two most powerful rivals without a plan to take advantage of the power vacuum. However, we have no idea what her “real” Satanic, and therefore irrelevant, motives are.
It has been confirmed that the Wicked Witch of The West had acquired, perfected, produced and used WMD's before her demise. While it is known that The Wizard acquired her enhanced Flying Broomstick technology, the disposition of her WMD stockpile is unknown.
Every single insignificant, tiny, dictator in Oz must be assumed to have this awesomely powerful technology. Our God-Blessed, infallible, policy makers must treat each of these Satanic Tyrants as the pathetic, dangerous, foes they are. If we leave them unopposed we will never be able to overthrow them. If we don't overthrow them, we can't be certain they don't have WMD's. If they might have WMD's, they are a clear and present threat to every American and Our Way Of Life.
The final defeat of The Taliban is just a happy side effect. The conquest of Oz is vital to Our National Security. It is possible that there are more Sovereign Powers with WMD's in Oz than; the Mid-East and the European Union, combined.
This is a possibility that the God Fearing Administration of The United States can't afford to live with!
The drain on our military will be negligible since the “wrestlers” from the WWE will be conscripted for police duties. A large percentage are Born Again Christians .They show excellent resistance to shock when confronted by freaks. And, they have been trained to rough up midgets.
The few military resources needed can be, easily, concealed in deployments for the, imminently successful, surge. The WWE will be completely in control within a week. Seriously, Vincent Kennedy McMahon doesn't mess around!
Due to our traitorous Congress, it would be best to hide funding in, another, “black project”. Since our swift victory is assured, the war will be over before anyone sees a bill.
NOTE: If you are reading this, without proper clearance, please don't disseminate this report to the press. Or your subordinates. Or your superiors. Or Congress. Or your wife. Whatever you do, don't respond to this e-mail with another e-mail and make sure you delete this e-mail from your inbox but save it somewhere just in case it may serve as exonerating evidence in any future, purely hypothetical, criminal investigation, however, if it ever appears that this e-mail may be condemning evidence in a future, purely hypothetical, criminal investigation it should be deleted from all files, in fact, it may be best to deep format your drive as soon as you finish reading this.
